Another Akatsuki Cat Story
by Kaito The Shadow Wrya
Summary: What would ACTUALLY happen if the Akatsuki, as cats, ended up on some random girls doorstep? OC warning, Parody. Lots of cussing and maybe some blood later.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be a parody of sorts that you shouldn't take seriously or be offended by. I just wrote this for shits and giggles. Enjoy.**

* * *

Janette Brown was a very very normal sixteen year old girl who lived with her parents, who were also normal too.

And no, she did _not _watch Naruto. She didn't even know what the hell it is, along with the Akatsuki.

Her looks weren't worth mentioning, and neither were her tits. Nobody really gave a fuck that she had a small or big rack. Its not important to the story anyway.

She wasn't walking home from high school, because she was home schooled and didn't bother with that whole 'I was teased and bullied in school!' or the ever so famous 'that whore Brittany hates me and is the queen bee prissy bitch!' stuff.

No, she did not.

She woke up at 9 am for eggs and toast, which both tasted normal if you were fucking wondering, and on her way to fetch the mail for her mom she nearly tripped on a box.

"OUCH!" She wailed when she hit the ground, and the box seemed to make a squealing sound too. Out of curiosity she opened it, only to see 10 oddly colored cats that looked like they were abused.

"What the fuck?" She swore openly as she stared at them all.

"Oi, who the fuck is this bitch?!" the lone silver one demanded. Janette's eyes widened.

"HOLYFUCKINGSHITWHATTHEHELL!" She screeched as she kicked the box, successfully flipping it over and making it fly several feet, causing all of the cats to land strewn all across her lawn. She wrapped her arms around herself as she began hyperventilating.

"Moooooommm!" She called, her eyes snapping from one cat to another in fear that they will grow 12 feet and spew lava. Haha, they don't, the just turn into evil superhuman men with fucking knives.

"Oh shit, lets bolt, un!" Yelled the ever so ugly yellow one. He wasn't the leader, but obviously nobody gave two shits because all of them began running in the opposite direction, leaving a scared shitless Janette, and a confused mother behind them.

* * *

Janette sat in the laundry room folding the towels for her mother, her mind still lingering on the insane events of yesterday. Her mother had at first thought that she was going crazy. Janette dismissed the idea, but her mother was still wary and she could tell.

After folding a thin beach towel, she dug her hand into the basket, thinking she had grabbed a towel that was got balled up in the spin cycle. An innocent mistake on her part.

Instead she had grabbed a giant blue cat with odd gill markings all over it. She gaped at it before thrusting the fat cat across the room.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" She screamed half hysterically, pointing at the groaning cat.

"Damn, that's a mean thro-" Alas, he would not get the chance to finish his sentence, for he was cut off by Janette's ear splitting shriek.

"MOOOOOOOOMMMM!"

"No, wait-"

"MOOOOMMM ITS BACK! THE CATS ARE BAAAACK!" She screeched at a ear splitting octave. The blue cat had to refrain from sticking his paws in his ears and scratching them.

"Screw this! I'm leaving!" The cat decided, turning tail and dashing through a hole behind the washing machine the led to the backyard, where the rest of the Akatsuki resided.

Itachi sat in the far corner of the back yard, not bothering to be around the other members. Deidara was being bothered by Tobi, who kept chasing his tail and making lame cat puns. Sasori was practically unconscious, and the only reason they knew he was even awake was due to the fact that his eyes were lazily staring at Tobi and Deidara, amused at Deidara's suffering. Pein, Konan, and Zetsu were talking among themselves under the porch, having a discussion about how they got there and how to leave. Hidan and Kakuzu were scratching the shit out of one another. Each of them looked like a bloody mess straight out of a horror film.

When Kisame entered the clearing, everyone turned to him, hoping he had gathered information or food of some sort. Well, except Hidan and Kakuzu, they just kept fighting. My money is on Kakuzu.

"Kisame. What have you discovered?" Pein asked flatly, not bothering to even move from his spot. He was just that badass.

"I hadn't discovered anything of use, Leader-sama." Kisame said, unconsciously scratching the back of his ear with is foot.

Pein didn't say anything, only sighing internally at his own stupidity. He should have sent someone more fit for stealth like Itachi or maybe even Zetsu to gather information, and food, from the household. Sending Kisame was his own mistake. Sigh.

Kisame didn't need any dismissing, he knew his work was done. He trekked over to Hidan and Kakuzu's side of the yard and sat up by the shed, his eyes following their fight. His money was also on Kakuzu, because Hidan just sucked that bad (Not really oh well.).

Konan turned to Pein. "If I may, Leader-sama, I would like to investigate the house from the inside."

Pein thought for a moment. "...If you must."

Konan gave a slight incline of her head and stalked off to find another opening to the house. She eventually decided to go in through the doggy door at the side of the house, even if it was an obvious entrance. These people were civilian level in strength anyway, not to mention they had no chakra to speak of.

Konan crawled through the small flap and quickly hid herself under a side table as one of the humans passed by, keeping herself hidden from sight as she began her search around the house. She hoped that her search would lead to something useful, because in all honesty, being a cat stunk.

* * *

**I will make another crack-tastic chapter later.**

**~Kaito**


	2. Chapter 2

**'Nother chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Janette sat at a table in the corner of a nearly empty coffee shop, directly across from one of her neighborhood friends, Beck. Janette released a heavy sigh as she rubbed her temples, before looking at her baffled friend.

Beck just stared at her disbelievingly before she swallowed roughly and responded. "Are you sure these cat's aren't a figment of your imagination? You could have schizophrenia, you know." She said.

"Even a mind as fucked up as mine couldn't conjure something as insane as talking colorful cats, Beck, and you know that." She replied exasperated. Beck and her are extremely close, thick as thieves, her mother says, and if she won't believe her, then she's afraid that nobody will. Her mother already thinks she's insane, and if Beck can't even listen for a moment, then, well, goodbye comfy bed and hello straight jacket.

"Absolutely, positively, one hundred percent sure?" She asked again.

"No doubt in my mind." Janette replied.

"...Damn it, I feel compelled to believe you, but your story is complete and utter bullshit." Beck sighed. "So if these cats are bothering you, then what do you expect me to do?"

"Help me kill them, obviously." Janette replied as if it was the most obvious thing ever. The kid at the counter gave them weird stares, so the girls continued their conversations in whispers and hushed voices.

"Me? Kill a cat? Hun, if you hadn't noticed, I have three cats. Now way I'm killing one, even if they are possessed demons out for your blood." Beck whispered back, her voice harsher than before.

"Come on Beck, at least help me capture one, so I can interrogate it." Janette pleaded, pulling out her mildly scary puppy dog eyes.

Beck rolled here eyes, but reluctantly accepted. "Fine. I'll help you get a stupid cat."

Janette internally cheered at her victory. Someone was finally on her side.

* * *

From examining the humans yesterday, Konan had realized that all of them were blathering idiots. Their physical prowess and intelligence was pitiful, not to mention all they did was yell, scratch their chins, and blab on and on about stupid trivial things.

She had slithered her way back into the house, to gather more food. Yesterday she hauled out a whole bag of bread for the members. Of course, some (Hidan) complained about the taste, but all of them were in a bit of a predicament. Konan didn't give two shits if the bread wasn't tasty, it was food and that was that.

"Margaret, where did you store the bread?" Yelled a man from the kitchen, that Konan could see from her hiding spot above the fridge, behind a potted plant.

"In the pantry, under the cereal!" Shouted a woman- Margaret- from upstairs. The mans hands went on his hips.

"Well it ain't there!" He shouted again before leaving the kitchen to continue his conversation with Margaret upstairs. Konan took this opportunity and quickly leaped onto the counter parallel to the fridge. Once she landed, she quieted her steps and began to search for food that might be lying about. The cabinets are usually where the people store all of the food, but when they're making food they usually leave it out long enough for her to snatch.

Konan, at first, was afraid that when she stole the food that it would be too obvious that they were there, but surprisingly the people in the house just pointed fingers at one another, even if the accused one insists they're innocent. The only one that knew it was them was the youngest female.

Konan suddenly heard the front door snap open, and in a quick flash she grabbed the bag of ham between her teeth and leaped out the window that was fortunately left slightly ajar.

* * *

When Janette returned home with Beck, the first thing she did was enter the kitchen so she could put away the bread her father had wanted her to pick up on her way home. As she slid it on the bottom shelf of the pantry, she noticed that the window was open half way, with white and... gray? Purple? Well they were cat hairs.

"Beck, I think one of the cats came in here earlier." She said as she picked up a definitely purple cat hair and examined it with narrow eyes.

"You mean they were here?" Beck scanned the kitchen, noticing more cat hairs on the counter and strangely on top of the fridge. All of them were either purple or white.

"Looks like they were. See, I told you I wasn't lying!" She stated loudly as she shoved a cat hair in front of her friends face.

"Holy sh-" Beck was cut off my Margaret's stern 'no swearing in the house!' shout that originated from upstairs.

Beck shrugged her shoulders and said in a smaller voice. "Holy shit, real colorful cats." She couldn't stop the stupid grin from her face.

"Stop smiling! This is no laughing matter! They're out to freaking kill me!" Janette half shouted, scowling at her friend who just rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Jan. Lets investigate the yard now."

Janette just narrowed her eyes, but complied. Soon the two girls were on the porch in the back yard, looking under furniture and in the grass.

"Beck, c'mere!" Shouted Janette from the foot of the porch, directly next to a rose bush. Beck dashes from the opposite side of the yard and peers over Janette's shoulder.

"Is that..." Beck whispers, "...cat hairs?" Janette nods grimly as she pulls back some loose wooden plants from the porch.

"What the hell are you doing?" Beck hisses.

"I'm gonna check under the porch. Cover me." Janette then proceeds to crawl through the small opening.

"Are you insane, Jan?! There could be snakes, or spiders, or freaking _rats._" Janette's crawling faltered, but then she just sighed and looked around the small space.

"I know that, Beck, but I need to find these damn cats. Demons. _Whatever they are_."

"Not without a flashlight you aren't." Beck stated defiantly as she pulled a small blue flash light out of her front jacket pocket and shoved it vaguely in the direction of Janette's hand.

"Ow, my finger- Oh whatever. Thanks Beck." Janette flicked on the flashlight and dragged the light across the ground.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! BECK PULL ME OUT- _PULL ME OUT!_" Janette shrieked as her eyes landed on roughly ten cats and a bag of half-eaten ham.

"What did you see?!" Beck asked as she grabbed Janette by her jeans and pulled with all her might. Surprisingly Janette's pants didn't get ripped off, but she had one hell of a bruise on her shoulder.

Janette stood up immediately and wiped the dirt on her trousers. Panic engulfed her entire system, and she barely managed to choke out a single word.

"Cats."

* * *

**A/N: Not my best but I'm glad my -2 readers are enjoying it.**

**~Kaito **


End file.
